


Confessions

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 11:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6752380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a disastrous mission on Mars, the Commander returns to visit Kaidan one last time before she's forced to leave the Citadel and return to the fight. She has some things to get off of her chest before she goes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

“Hey, Major,” Shepard quietly said before settling into a chair at his bedside. It hadn’t been her first visit since he’d been admitted to the hospital, but she had to depart the Citadel shortly and wanted to stop by one last time.

Her eyes traveled back and forth across his battered body, discolored and bruised as it was. Though it hurt immensely to see him in such a fragile state, she reminded herself to focus on the steady rise and fall of his chest. He was alive. He might not be able to fight the way he used to, but he would survive. If he didn’t, then there was a chance that she was going to destroy the galaxy herself out of grief. The reapers would no longer be the biggest concern.

Her head fell, gaze resting on her hands in her lap. Shepard began to understand the soul-shattering anguish that Kaidan must have felt when she’d died. She was going to relive those final moments on Mars for a long time. Forever, probably. She’d always wonder if there was something more she could have done to protect him, if she’d made the right choices, or if she could have somehow taken the blow in his place. It wasn’t healthy, she knew, but it was natural. It was human.

Perhaps if they hadn’t been arguing in the moments leading up to that fateful encounter, they’d both have been faster and more alert. If they’d been working as a better team, they might have avoided this horrid situation. At the time, however, they were not seeing eye-to-eye. She acknowledged, with a little smirk appearing upon her lips, that they were both too stubborn to give in so easily.

She had a sadly captive audience now, however, and as her eyes locked on him once more, Shepard realized that she’d feel a lot better just saying what she felt needed to be said. It would go smoothly while Kaidan was in a state where he couldn’t really understand or respond to her words, as she knew they’d trouble him.

“I still love you, in case you were wondering. Also, I’m sorry. I know you don’t understand or like what I’ve had to do lately. It’s going to take everything in me to make it up to you, I’m sure. Maybe no one will ever understand my decisions, but I’ll try.”

She straightened in the chair, searching for the right words even if he couldn’t hear them.

“Listen, it’s weird to be brought back from the dead against your will, Kaidan. Not that I wanted to leave you hurting or alone after Alchera, but I’d made my choices and accepted my fate. I thought I’d done everything I could do. My work was finally done. There’s some strange closure that happens, even when you’re running out of oxygen and free-floating in the abyss.”

The thought of those final moments sent chills down her spine. She couldn’t properly put into words the fear, acceptance, and pain of it all. Though she thought of it often, she tried not to dwell on it, for the sake of her sanity.

Shepard cast her gaze quickly out the large windows of his room. She could see Liara sitting in the corridor alone. While she’d wanted to accompany the commander for this visit, she insisted that she had no desire to intrude and, given the way her head was dipped in concentration, it seemed she had other work to do anyway. The asari had been the unlikely one to get the whole Project Lazarus ball rolling, and Shepard still wasn’t sure if she was grateful for that or not.

“It’s strange to come back without being free to make that choice for yourself, then find out that a substantial amount of time has passed since you were in the waking world. Most people that I met up with from then on, had they known me before, were not happy to see me. Some even went so far as to tell me that it would have been easier if I’d stayed dead. I can’t disagree with them, you know. It would have been easier for me, too. I started to cling desperately to the hope that the people that knew me best would understand, that we could embrace the second chance together.”

She paused, swallowing hard. She knew he wouldn’t have liked to hear that she agreed with the cruel people who had wished her to remain among the casualties of war. Thankfully, his eyes didn’t move under their heavy, discolored lids. At least getting things off of her chest this way wouldn’t add any guilt or emotional distress to his already delicate state.

“Life’s no fairytale. It didn’t work out the way I’d hoped.” She chuckled softly, recognizing her starry-eyed naivety. “When I heard human colonies were being targeted and wiped out and that no one was doing anything about it, I knew I had to… be proactive, as is my way. If I couldn’t be at peace in death, I guess I chose to return to a violent life. If I had to be back and it was easier for everyone if I was still dead, then I wanted my second death to count for something. I wanted it to make a difference. What better way than to go on a suicide mission that could save millions of lives? Cerberus happened to give me the tools and support I needed to do it. I was using them as much as they were using me, I suppose.”

Shepard stood, pulling a small object from her pocket. She slipped a tiny Canadian flag onto the tray near his bed. It had been a little something she’d managed to pick up before having to flee from Earth. It was a silly little keepsake that made her think of Kaidan, but she was glad she had it now. It could serve as a reminder of home, especially if none of his loved ones could be by his side when he awoke.

“Brilliant plan, right?” she continued, a rueful smile curling her lips as she looked back to his bruised visage. “I go back to the state where everyone wanted me to stay, but I get to screw over Cerberus and the Collectors and the Reapers at the same time. Sounds very _me_ , doesn’t it?”

Shepard slipped a hand under his and gently rubbed her thumb over his knuckles. She didn’t want to cause any more damage to him or create conflict in her own heart by doing anything more. He’d made it abundantly clear that such contact was unwelcome and undesired. Their days of affection were long gone, as much as that realization caused an unpleasant twisting feeling in her gut.

“Well, you know better than probably everyone else that my plans don’t always work out. I’m still here, against everyone’s wishes. Maybe even yours. Now I don’t know what to do. I suppose I’ll just have to do what I do best. Fight. I’ll fight the Reapers. I’ll fight Cerberus. I’ll fight for you. For me.”

She sighed heavily, reluctantly withdrawing her hand from his.

“Funny how things change and yet they stay the same, am I right?”

Glancing out the windows again, she caught the eye of Liara, who was standing now. It was time to go and save the galaxy, she supposed.

“When you are conscious enough to hold a conversation, we’ll have words, Major. I’m not saying much of this again, mind you, but I look forward to the arguments anyway.”

She quietly studied him for a moment, somehow hoping that his eyes might flutter or his fingers would move to let her know that he’d been listening. When nothing happened beyond the still steady rise and fall of his chest, she sighed and shook her head.

Shepard wanted to stay. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to be the first person he saw when he opened his eyes. As everything crumbled around them, however, she knew she couldn’t. Instead, she leaned down to his ear, hoping that just one small message would make it into his subconscious amid all her rambling.

“In case you missed that first part, Alenko, I love you. Keep fighting for me because I’m fighting hard for you.”


End file.
